Marriage Conflict In Youth Ministry

It's going to happen. It happens more than you think. It happens more than students want you to think. Parents fight. Kids get caught in the middle, wondering what to do, and often develop wrong coping skills, that spill over into poor decisions in their school, their home, and yes, their youth group.

As I was researching student culture on the Internet, I came across some good points on family conflict and how in particular it translates to student behavior within youth group time.

As a ministry we are seeking to be more proactive when it comes to ministering to our parents. From engaging parents who have conflicts with their children, to inviting parents to be a part of the ministry growth process, the way youth ministry is done now has radically changed from even 5 years ago. Kids are hurting more. Parents are hurting more. Marriages are hurting more. As I've seen kids come and go over the past 10 years in ministry, one thing's been an ever present concern: the increase of kids with divorced parents. It's no longer 30 or 4o percent of the group, it's more like 70 percent! Or it seems that way.

So how does marriage relate to youth ministry? The conflict kids see at home, plays out in the world they live in away from home. How does a youth ministry respond? How do we help the kids understand the conflict? How do we connect with parents in conflict, knowing that some of the behavior issues may be a result of such conflict? An article offers several helpful tips which I believe can help us go a long way in reaching parents and students:

1. Don’t be the kid’s—or the parents’—therapist. If you’re not trained as a therapist, just don’t do it. Know when you are in over your head, and be willing to refer to a good professional in your community.
2. Don’t attempt to fix it. It’s not your job, and you probably can’t do it.
3. Don’t take sides—parent vs. parent, church vs. parents, or kids vs. parents. Nothing good can come of any of those scenarios. Beware of parents who will try to win you to their side in marital conflict, and keep in mind that there are always two (or three or four) sides to every story

On the other hand, here's what we can do:

1. DO model healthy conflict. The importance of positive adult role models has been affirmed by research with kids whose parents fight. Students in your ministry need to see adults who can model effective and consistent listening and conflict resolution in their own relationships. That means that the healthier your marriage or significant relationships, the better for the students you influence. Not that your relationships have to be conflict-free (that would actually not be helpful for them), but that you offer a healthy example of working conflict out in significant relationships. With appropriate boundaries, there’s something significant about letting students see the side of us that has to work through the not-so-superpastor stuff. Further, modeling healthy response to conflict within the group (between kids and between leaders, and between kids and leaders) can be incredibly helpful.
2. DO offer them safe relationships with adults. Kids need to experience positive relationships, and your ministry can be a place where that happens. What adults can they get connected to in your church? Who can be relational (and sometimes physical) safe places? We need to think outside the typical youth ministry boundaries on this one—who could be spiritual grandparents or aunts and uncles in the family of God for kids who desperately need stability and safety? How could you help build bridges to some of these resource people?
3. DO teach about conflict. Youth workers can also help by giving attention to relationship issues in our teaching and training. Students need us to overtly teach them about healthy relationships and ways to work through conflict, even as we model these in front of them and find other adults who can do the same.
4. DO pray. We can’t underestimate the importance of prayer—on behalf of and with kids, and even with parents when appropriate.
   

Healthier parents mean healthier kids, which translates into student ministries working in tandem to grow and minister to both.

I ask that you join me to pray for our students, and their families, that God would give them tools to cope better with conflict, and that He would allow many student ministries (including our own) to evaluate their effectiveness with helping hurting parents and hurting kids, ultimately through an authentic relationship with Christ.